Counseling and Communication Book Review

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Listening Better: A Practical Book Review

SUMMARIZE!

In the book, Why don't we listen better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, James Peterson begins with a few personal anecdotes to explain how he became aware of the value of listening. Particularly striking is the fact that he refers to "grumpy" people, and the fact that, just by asking questions and listening, he could get to the bottom of their actions. Mostly, that is perceived by most as grumpiness is simply a manifestation of some inner pain or hurt feelings caused by a specific event. This provides an excellent hook for the rest of the book, where the author offers specific tools to help those in counseling positions to develop the tools they need to offer effective and targeted advice for their clients.

Specifically, the author explains the listening paradigm in terms of the brain, the heart and the stomach. With the brain being the center of choice regarding the words an individual uses, the stomach contains emotion, with the heart being the connecting point between the two. The author explains that unresolved hurt feelings reside in the stomach and tends to overwhelm rational thought and the readiness to listen. When feelings enlarge and overwhelm, they extend beyond the stomach and heart, creating the "flat brain syndrome." This, in turn creates an inability to listen effectively because thought is overwhelmed by feeling.

Most of the practical advice the author provides revolves around tools the individual can use to become a better listener. Particularly, the "Talker" and "Listener" cards are offered as useful, practical tools to identify the roles of each person in any communicative relationships.

The book ends with some practical examples of different situations in which the tools Peterson offers can be used to become an effective listener. By using the tools, the debilitating attack-counter attack cycle that destroys the ability to communicate effectively can be broken.

RESPOND!

The first part of the book, where the author explains his first encounters with the benefits of listening, is of particular interest to me. Although his relatively quiet nature as a child is far different from mine, I particularly identify with those who are eager to share their stories. I, for example, tend to share every intimate detail of my life. I value this part of myself, since, although it makes me vulnerable, it also gives me credibility and puts others at ease to share their stories with me. The tendency to say everything as it is has made my communication style particularly direct in the past. I have since learned that not everybody appreciates this.

In my life and with this book, I have therefore learned that listening is more beneficial than speaking. I have also learned to temper my interactions with compassion and wisdom. One important thing to understand is that most often, people do not want an answer, but rather someone who would listen and understand their predicament.

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In other words, they want someone who can be a friend rather than an adviser. This is one of the most important things to understand in any counseling position.

Most people find it hard to listen, because each person has his or her own story and feelings to apply to situations. Because of my nature, I am still learning to listen effectively, without imposing my own reflections and ideas on a situation. The talker/listener cards, for example, have been of particular help to me in becoming a better listener.

What I therefore feel is most about "me" in the book is the author's rendition of his family members, each with his or her own story and ideas about the "truth." I tend to be part of the noise rather than part of the listening, which would require silence on the part of the listener. This has been one of my hardest lessons, and one that I will continue learning.

REFLECT!

One of the most interesting things I have learned from the book is the flat-brained syndrome. I have never heard about this syndrome, and it clarified a lot of things to me when it comes to the communication process. Especially at the start, the author really convinced me of the benefit of listening well, especially when one is in a counseling position. In this position, listening is the most important aspect. Because of my nature, I have a difficult time listening to people.

Petersen's techniques, however, brought me a whole new set of tools with which I can create a safe therapeutic environment for my clients, because I am now aware of the roles played by the stomach, heart, and brain. Understanding the connection of these organs with emotion and rational, logical thought helps me to become a better listener.

Specifically, I have created a Listener card for the door to my office. This card reminds me of my own role in the therapeutic process. A listener is to position him- or herself to listen actively without judging the talker. The listener also recognizes that the talker has a need to express his or her emotions. As the listener, my task is to ask the right questions to help with the process of identifying the underlying hurt feelings the talker is hiding underneath his or her actions. Like Petersen suggests, my task is therefore one of listening without judgment, without agreeing, and without disagreeing.

Hence, I have learned that including the talker/listener cards in each of my sessions, I can identify the roles of each very specifically. Not only can I then be exactly clear about what my role as listener is; the talker can also understand the ways in which he or she can most effectively communicate his or her feelings. This is one of the most valuable lessons I learned from Petersen's work.

ACT!

I have made some decisions….....

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