Hell Morning Star Est. For Term Paper

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Office pools are not condoned, and spectators should bring their own ice, as the bleachers are consistently hotter than Hell.

Football season is officially underway here in Hell, too. If you missed tryouts in the summer, additional positions have opened up due to injuries on the field. Apply with your local Hell guardian if you're interested in playing Hell's most violent game.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

HELL OFFICIALLY FREEZES OVER!

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The Devil said it couldn't happen, but in a bizarre show of faith from above, Hell has indeed frozen over. Icicles hung from the caverns, and the Devil himself sported a coat of hoarfrost at least for a minute or two.

The sparkling sheets of ice seemed to suspend time, and residents were seen shivering and shaking all throughout Hell.

The Devil shrugged off the phenomenon, saying it was simply a "technical glitch" after installing new Microsoft software on Hell's main computer system.

Many residents, sure of their rescue from Purgatory, began packing their bags, but the deep freeze only lasted a few hours. The Devil re-booted the system and Hell returned to normal.

The Devil has noted as punishment, when Bill Gates attempts to enter those Pearly Gates, Saint Peter will certainly send him straight to Hell for his participation in Microsoft, the biggest monopoly on the planet.

MY DAY in HELL

The day began like any other, but by the end of the day, the poet Virgil led me on one of the most bizarre journeys I have ever experienced.

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He led me through the levels of Hell, from the depths of this terrible place, to Purgatory, and then upwards to Heaven. I can tell you, Hell is not a place I should like to return to anytime soon.

When I entered Hell's gates, I noticed a sign above reading, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." I knew I was lost, and hoped only to make my way out of this eternal Hell that held so many in its' grasp.

I discovered nine circles of Hell that kept residents deep in their clutches. The things I saw there will stay with me forever.

I saw souls battered by continuous torrential rains and hurricane-force winds. I saw gluttons forced to lie in mud under a storm of hail. I saw those who continually pushed a great weight until it crashed into another, and then began the process again, in a never-ending circle. I saw things I do not want to repeat.

My message is clear. Do good in your life, die with a clear conscience, and avoid the horrors of Hell.

I have provided a drawing of my impressions of Hell at the right. (Dante).

Dante's Impression of Hell.....

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