Saint Augustine Confessions Essay

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St. Augustine's autobiography Confessions is an honest, if not severe, work of introspection. Although many of its themes and motifs are outmoded, there are core elements that remain relevant to modern readers, which is why Confessions remains critical reading as literature and religious studies. The primary focus of Confessions is on the transformation of a sinful boy into a devout Christian man. Because St. Augustine's Confessions is so compelling, the themes in the autobiography have inextricably woven themselves into the life and evolution of the Catholic Church. In particular, the theme of guilt is one that the Catholic Church may have derived from its internalization of St. Augustine's Confessions. However, there is more to Confessions than the self-lamentations of a guilt-ridden man and there is much in the autobiography that I can relate to. St. Augustine discusses morality at great length, for instance. He talks about the fact that he had friends who encouraged him to sin and stray from God, and Augustine too a long time to recover. Throughout his youth, St. Augustine experienced bouts of depression that many readers can relate to, because it has to do with finding oneself and discovering personal identity in God. Finally, St. Augustine struggled with his conversion to a degree that must be appreciated, as it shows how the most pious people do experience doubt and negativity, and these feelings seem to make spiritual people stronger. It is for these reasons that I can relate to St. Augustine's Confessions, in spite of our differences in geography, culture, and time.

In the second book of Confessions, Augustine traces his boyhood sin to hanging out with the wrong crowd. This section illustrates the importance of developing a strong spiritual foundation early in life, and having parents who apply discipline to their children. When children have no discipline, they can easily get into trouble. Augustine came from a good family, and lived with his parents until he was quite old. Because he did not have to work, his young life was riddled with "idleness," (Book II). His friends were the same way, and they were mischievous together. Thus, it was easy for St. Augustine to act out, and engage in deviant behavior, from sexual dalliances to stealing. I could relate to this section of the book because I know many people who have followed this same trajectory: people who come from wealthy families and who subsequently have little discipline in their lives. They live lives similar to that of Augustine, in that they drink and party, have sex with whomever they want, and sometimes break the law. My friends might come to regret their sinful behaviors, just as Augustine does. Yet I cannot help but wonder if, like St. Augustine, my friends might have a strong impact on the lives of others if they find God and communicate their own confessions to others and genuinely repent for their sins by seeking forgiveness. As Augustine says in Book II of Confessions, "whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are to cry unto Thee."

Augustine first contemplates the tenets of Christianity in depth when he meets Ambrose. He describes this meeting in Book VI of Confessions. When he first encounters Ambrose, he cannot fathom living a celibate life as he does. Yet Augustine cannot help but notice that Ambrose is "happy." This happiness stems not from sin, but from self-sacrifice and salvation. Ambrose has a strong impact on Augustine, even if Augustine does not immediately convert to Christianity. At this point in his personal spiritual growth, Augustine starts to contemplate a new way of life. He is brimming with questions, because Ambrose left a strong impression on him. The questions Augustine has are related to Christianity, the doctrine, and how to live a Christian life. I can especially relate to this chapter because I have had many encounters with mentors and other meaningful people who planted seeds in my soul, just as Ambrose did for Augustine. At the time, I could not see myself in their lifestyle, because I was too young and immature. Now I am coming to realize that with maturity comes the ability to see reality more clearly, and to accept that self-sacrifice yields rewards. One of those rewards is the type of genuine happiness Augustine sees in the face and behavior of Ambrose. Likewise, I was not raised a religious person but have since come to question my values and beliefs. I also noticed that Ambrose treats Augustine with respect and love, and it reminds me of an encounter I had with a priest who did not seem like other religious leaders.

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The priest only had compassion and kindness in his eyes, and he left the same type of impression on me that Ambrose must have left on Augustine. One day I hope to express my appreciation to the priest, much as Augustine did by writing about the incident in Confessions.

St. Augustine did not convert until he was 32 years old, which would have been quite late in his time. I appreciate the fact that Augustine sends the message that there is always hope for salvation. In Confessions, the author explains his mental and emotional struggles with a level of honesty I hope to mirror in my own life. Another theme Augustine touches on, which I can relate to, is the fact that until one finds the true and righteous path, the tendency is to embrace false prophets. People will become involved in cults and spiritual fads to soothe their angst and need for answers. Augustine did this with Manichaeism, which he followed before he found Christianity. At around the time he meets Ambrose, Augustine experiences a dark night of the soul in which profound existential anxiety confounds him. He is in a spiritual abyss, as he recognizes that Manichaeism is a false path leading nowhere. As Augustine puts it, "I was slain spiritually," (Book V). Yet Augustine is not yet ready to accept Christianity. He states that Christianity was not "vanquished" in his heart but was also not "yet…victorious," (Book V). This is a delicate moment in one's personal and spiritual life. Leaving behind the old is always difficult, as is taking a leap of faith. I have had to make difficult choices like this myself, such as deciding to leave home. Augustine shows that it is possible to feel the fear and still make the jump.

His heart suitably purified through suffering and repentance, Augustine does eventually receive a calling. He is clearly ready at this point. "For thou convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed me unto her in a vision, so many years before," (Book VIII). Although I have not had a revelation as powerful as this, and although I do not believe one has to deny worldly pursuits and pleasures entirely to lead a fulfilling spiritual life, I can relate to Augustine's moment of faith. When he finally plunges himself into Christianity, it feels cathartic. I have felt that sense of liberation that comes from surrendering to what I know to be right, leaving behind all that makes me unhappy or holds me back from my true self. Yet Augustine also went through a lengthy period of doubt. He doubted himself, and his own ability to be celibate. He also doubted the efficacy of the Church and its teachings, which may also have meant Augustine doubted Christ too. I am still working out my own feelings of doubt, both in the sense of how I feel about God and myself. Knowing that Augustine's doubt turned out to be a constructive step on his path makes me feel better about my own future. I might not turn out like Augustine, but I do know that a sense of clarity and hope will permeate my future.

Finally, I appreciate the way his conversion opened up a whole new world for Augustine. I have seen how religious conversions make an impact on others, and I also recognize that it did take Augustine many years of observing friends, listening to mentors, and finally, receiving a clear calling before devoting himself to God. He took this decision seriously. Likewise, I take deep spiritual decisions seriously. Augustine's conversion also changes his attitude and outlook on life. I have seen how religious conversions cause my friends to have a different look in their eyes, and they talk about different things. In the later sections of Confessions, Augustine contemplates deep metaphysical matters including the nature of time. Before this point, he had focused mainly on mundane matters. Time is one of the most mystifying aspects of life. It shows Augustine is reaching the point where he will no longer fear death, and this is, I believe, one of the most important stages a human being can reach in their lifetime. To contemplate time is a profound move, and I hope to do this….....

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